Andee Sings The Blues and That’s Okay

I was in a shitty headspace the other day, weeding in the charity garden at the Jewish educational farm I work at. This cute bunny was snuggling with these rich purpley heads of lettuce, and even though bunnies are normally skittish and anti-social, it let me get so close. Bunnies have become sort of a totem to me- they often show up when I need reminding that life sucks, but it does other things too.

As I sat next to that sweet bunny and watched it sit peacefully next to me, I came to a  weirdly liberating realization.

No matter what, I’ll always be sad.

That’s not completely true, sometimes I’m not sad. But no matter what I’ll have lots and lots of days where my bitch of a grey cloud hovers over everything I do, no matter how noble or shitty or magical or boring or wonderful those things are that I’m doing. It’s not a reflection on who I am. It’s not a reflection of my worth or how well I’m doing at life. It just is.

There’s this centering prayer I do sometimes where you picture yourself as a buoy, God as the anchor, and life as the waves. Sometimes you bob up and down in tandem with the rhythm of the ocean. Sometimes you get smashed around. No matter what, though, you’re anchored, and the waves always pass.

In this prayer, the waves also symbolize your thoughts. Instead of clinging to them or making any sort of judgment about them, you let happen and you watch them pass.

That’s how I want to treat my melancholy. It’s not something to be clung to or warded off. It isn’t something to be judged. It’s a wave that passes.

{I will always appreciate bad days like this/ cuz they grant me a point of reference in regards to my happiness} -AJJ

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