blacksheep/whitecrow: A Prayer for Boldness

I went to an Ana Tijoux concert with my roommate the other day. Ana Tijoux is a French-Chilean rapper and political activist. The concert was in Spanish so I was oblivious to most of the content. Her presence, however, transcended my linguistic ignorance. She wore makeup worn by indigenous Chilean people and had half her head shaved. She spoke with conviction and was at home in her body.

On our way home one of our other roommates texted us that she found a TV on her run. We all piled into my roommate’s car to pick it up. It had a huge screen, but was old and clunky. It wouldn’t fit in the trunk and the front door wouldn’t close when we tried to put it in the front seat. But we wanted that TV, dammit, so one of my roommates stood with her feet inside the car, grabbed the roof, and held the TV inside. We rolled down Willamette Boulevard at five miles an hour, with a human being hanging out of the car. 

Both Tijoux and my roommates weren’t afraid to make their voices heard to create change, be it for the rights of indigenous people or a better television. They aren’t afraid of the space they take up or the power they possess. 

And me, I get startled by my own shadow. 

In other news, one time I took a buzzfeed quiz that determined which disciple you are most like and I got Judas. 

I’m not a very good christian, that much is clear. I’m afraid of creating change and being heard and demanding the best in the world around me, and buzzfeed thinks I’m the disciple that betrayed our Lord and Savior. I don’t mind being bad, but I want to be a bad Christian in the way I think Jesus would be a bad Christian. Like Tijoux and my roommates, I want to be too bold to fit inside our puny social imagination to be a good Christian.

 I want to be a shitty enough Christian that I call out the divine in those society deems as vulgar. I want to be bold enough to stare in the face of the daunting divinity and humanity mingling inside me and make friends with the tension. I want to walk the line of grace and accountability with myself and others. I want to hold a great reverence and affection for the individual but never be afraid of a little frankness and a little sass.

I just called Jesus sassy. Some of you might think I’m going to hell now. 

So my prayer for the day, or month, or year, or probably life is for the courage to be authentic and to press in when it’s easy to back away. 

{God, make me bold.}